The Ridgeline

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

As I trudged up the ridge, hoping the summit was closer than it probably was, my thoughts were less than true, less than honorable, and definitely nothing akin to commendable or excellent.

My thoughts were self-condemning, critical and thick with comparison.

It was a recent family vacation, which I had meticulously planned out, and we were in the midst of the glorious Blue Ridge Mountains on a beautiful fall day.  The temperatures had recently dropped, making it a comfortable morning for a hike.  Yet my heart raced, my palms were sweaty, and my chest was tight. 

This hike was so loud in my head that I stopped a few times and growl to myself that it was supposed to be fun.  The delight of my kids, running far ahead of me on the trail, felt like a small slap in the face.  You still haven’t lost that weight and now you can’t keep up. Why was this a good idea?

I wrestled against negative emotions with every step, breathing heavier than I wanted to be and internally humiliated with how everything was going.  You’re holding everyone up.

Every so often I would glance around, hoping for something to admire and wonder over, hoping for a distraction.  We were in such a thick part of the forest, however, that you couldn’t see out to the surrounding mountain views.  Striking pine trees soared upward, fallen branches littered the ground.  Our kids voices skittered ahead of me, my husband behind them.  And me lagging behind.  At least they aren’t seeing you fail.

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

There was 100% no one else putting pressure on me on the side of that mountain.  There was no one critiquing my abilities or commenting on my pace.  But because I didn’t have control over my thoughts, I became a self-focused mess that couldn’t hear God.

Because God hadn’t left me at the base of the trail, watching to see what would happen.

He was, however, as a good Father, allowing me to feel the weight of choices.  Choices I had made that didn’t involve renewing my mind.  Choices that I had made to listen to outside influences and opinions. 

When we had all reached the summit there was still no grand view as a reward.  You might think that the peak of a mountain would be the perfect place to see across everything!  In a moderately small clearing was a rough, handmade bench.

The reward for making the strenuous .75 mile hike (yeah, not that long, right?)

          was silence.

There was a stillness and silence at the top of that summit that I have never heard anywhere else.  No cars, trains, chattering people, or music.  No symphony of insects or birds. Silence.  And when we all stopped moving around, I suddenly realized that God had silenced everything inside my head as well.

In the physical silence and stillness, He offered me a glimpse into an unfamiliar headspace that wasn’t racing, heaving, overthinking, and calculating.

Matthew 22:37

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

It was a glimpse that gave me just enough courage to push back.  The crowded, analytical thoughts reemerged when we began moving again, this time taking the loop around the opposite side of the ridge and back down toward the parking area.

This side, however, gifted us with multiple opportunities to see out across the distant blue ridges.  I could turn aside from my wrestling and gaze in wonder upon His design.  And we also chose to move more slowly, not rushing back down the mountain.  Once this was over, it was over.  None of us were quite ready for that.

On that mountain ridgeline I couldn’t walk in a way that loved the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind because I hadn’t maintained any semblance of control over my thoughts and emotions.  But His voice was not condemning.  By contrast, He was inviting and enticing. 

And I needed to recognize that presence and that voice clearly.

The rest of the trip was still up and down inside my head, a personal battle that was no one’s fault, simply the working out of His grace on my heart.  The difference became that when I recognized the thoughts that were degrading or isolating, I held them up against Paul’s words in Philippians:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

And then I could hear the truth.  Then I could accept His invitation.

Lord, invite us in, invite us closer. Help us to look to You in the midst of our mess. You have created in us clean hearts and placed in us a sound mind, so we stand on that truth. We move forward from today knowing we will need You still tomorrow because we are fully dependent on You. And we will find peace in this. May Your glory and wisdom be evident in the choices we make, that Your Word would overflow from us in moments of pressing. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Listen: In Over My Head, by Jenn Johnson

Pray: (Breathe In) Lord forgive my self-focus, (Breathe Out), help me focus first on You